Similar to an individual growing and changing in life –
So actually… if you’re in a relationship – you’re faced
with a double whammy…
You grow…you change…AND so your partner does …AS WELL AS
your relationship does!
to this your children (and their stages) … your parents
(and their stages)!
NOW IMAGINE THAT!
it’s helpful to understand at least some of it.
The importance of COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
communication entails the HEART of a good relationship…
According to Daniel B. Wile (1993) couples fight when they
feel “unable to make their points”. As long as one partner
feels the other is NOT ‘hearing’ what one tries to say… the
fighting will continue.
Fighting also escalates in what he calls “Levels of attack”:
Learning about these levels – may help couples to learn to
contain the ‘attack’ and return to what the
real Issues are –
instead of being caught in an escalating anger-spiral of going
Being able to be heard ….restores
the feeling of being
entitled to what you feel.
A crucial part of counselling is to learn HOW TO HAVE A
- a basic skill few has.
INTERNALISED SCRIPTS we bring INTO the RELATIONSHIP
dynamic therapeutic intervention entails exploring the
internalised map we got from our parents relationship; How
they (our parents) dealt with conflict, handled criticism,
what they valued etc. Differences in style, family
backgrounds, often lead to conflict due to unconscious
assumptions held by partners.
The days of expecting and
assuming your relationship will last with little need for
Growth (change) is long over!
Relationships needs to be revisited, re-balanced, even
Whether we like it or not – it’s just the reality about it
THE GUIDING ETHIC OF THIS AGE IS CHOICE, AUTONOMY, AND THE
FREEDOM TO CHANGE ONE’S LIFE. FEWER PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO
ENDURE THE HEAVY AND BITTER WEIGHT OF A LOVELESS
THERE COMES A DAY WHEN ONE FEELS YOU HAD ENOUGH PAIN, ENOUGH
HOLDING BACK…ENOUGH LONELINESS. HOWEVER FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS
TO LEAVE … THERE IS ONE BEING LEFT.
A DIVORCE IS A PROCESS UNFOLDING:
AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK, A PHASE OF ROLLERCOASTER EMOTIONS
FOLLOW (A CRITICAL PERIOD) THE PAIN OF DIVORCING/SEPARATING
CAN BE OVERWHELMING FEELINGS CASCADING TO-AND-THRO ANGER,
HURT, LOSS, GUILT, YEARNING, FEAR – UNTIL THE MOURNING PROCESS
ULTIMATELY ABATES, AND NEW LIFE BEGINS.
DIVORCE/SEPARATING IS ALSO AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH.
SOMETHING ENDS AND SOMETHING NEW BEGINS. THERE COMES A DAY
WHEN YOU REALIZE STRENGTHS, YOU NEVER REALIZED YOU HAD BEFORE.
A SENSE THAT WHAT MATTERS NOW IS THE
PRESENT – AND YOU
SUDDENLY REALIZE: A NEW CENTERED SELF HAS KICKED IN. YOU SEE
THE SUN SHINES AGAIN! AND THAT YOU DO HAVE WORTH!
Other crucial aspects covered in Divorce counselling are:
Psychological traps of divorcing/splitting, mourning &
mending, friends & relations, healthy conflict, the children,
effects of divorce on children, single & second parenting
(STEP-PARENTING), Co-parenting – and lastly Surviving as a
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